Is this a job for Tom Cruise?

So I shall start with praise. During rush hour FGW has a few extra trains running between London and Oxford, and vice versa which are a semi-fast service meaning no change at Reading and home in just under an hour. Genius, FGW I salute you for this.

However, and you knew this was coming, there are never, ever enough carriages, especially on a Friday. As a result many of us have to stand to at least Maidenhead. And as the journey takes us past one of your depots my heart skips with joy at unused rolling stock sitting there whilst we all play sardines. It's even better on a hot day like today when some people are smelling less than fresh (complimentary deodorant would help, though we'd then all choke on the fumes as people went spray happy.)

Would it really be to difficult to utilise the spare rolling stock during peak hours? It can't be difficult can it? If it is a Mission Impossible then maybe Tom Cruise could help, after all he's done quite a few impossible things in the films.

On a serious note it isn't safe either. Tonight as we changed track at a set of points, on person lost their balance and took out a few others, like a game of human Domino Rally. I actually caught one very grateful lady.

So FGW will you accept this mission to actually do the right thing by your customers? Could Tom Cruise help?

This message will self destruct in 10 seconds......well it won't really but I always wanted to say that.

Enjoy the rest of the warm weather and your weekend. I'll be back next week.

Worse than snakes on a plane...

...it's the drunk on the train!

I was going to moan about lateness, and no air on on today's service, but the sun is shining and I'd rather tell a more humorous tale. And FGW dontngive a flying fig what anyone says anyway ;-)

As some will know I got a late train home last night, and one of the joys of travelling at that time is observing fellow travellers, especially those who have obviously had a good time.

As the train was only minutes from Reading a man carrying a can of Stella Artois (other premium lagers are available) pushed through the standing crowd (even at that time the train was over crowded, but I'll leave that alone) anying with a slurred Wiltshire accent "'shcuse me I need to...erm...sit...down...I've been told I musht sit down..." As we were only 5 minutes from Reading a gentleman across the way stood and said, here have this seat by the window, I'm getting off in a minute. The drunk sat down..."thanksh mate, would you like shum beer," and preferred his can. What a nice chap I thought, though the man beside him quickly declined. "Are you sure, it's really good beer," to which the passenger replied, "I don't drink." "Really", said the drunk,"that's just weird...but each to their own." He then began mumbling to himself "I have to stay sitting, got to get to Swindon, they've told me to sit down."

In the mean time two older gentlemen behind in the seats behind him were discussing gun dogs, particularly gun ,dogs, and the merits of springer v cocker spaniels. The more senior tweedie said, "I've found a great breederin Kintbury near Hungerford," in an almost lazy posh drawl. Suddenly the drunk snapped to attention and turned to the gents, saluted and said "thatsh Gods country that is....share a drink with me" and thrust the can forward. No words were needed in what I felt was withering refusal of a lovely fraternal offer from the drunk. The passenger beside meanwhile decided he'd stand for the final 3 minutes to Reading. The drunk seemed stunned by the response to his generous offer and sat down, continuing his muttering "told to sit down, must get to Swindon," like it had become his mantra.

We pulled into Reading, Swindon was still 2 stops away. The drunk seemed to be nodding off. As I exited the train I heard a voice behind me, "was told to sit down, must get to Swindon." I turned to see the drunk had roused himself and Stella can in hand was behind me on the platform. I had to intervene. "you do know that's the Swindon train don't you?" I asked. "I needsh platform 1, Bedwyn train" he replied. "I'm sorry but I thought I heard you say you wanted Swindon", "I do want Shwindon" he responded, "Well this train is the quicker way there," I said doing my best for the obviously confused fellow. He downed what remained of his can, through it in the bin and marched off towards Platform 1, "been told to sit down, need Swindon train" he muttered. I tried once more to hail him but realised he was focused on his mantra, and misguidedly on getting to platform 1.

I do hope he got back to Swindon ok....albeit eventually.

I live in hope...

Tonight after a dinner with work I take on the challenges of the evening service, when a 25 minute journey to Reading lasts 36 minutes...officially, and all being well my journey time should in total be one hour 6 minutes. Now this is still a possibility, and I remain hopeful of success.

It's just that I can't help but think of other journeys taken at this time. For example a few weeks ago I sat on the very same service which had a halt just after Maidenhead, long enough for me to miss two connecting trains home and meaning I got in the following at.

The explanation for this....well I'd like to say there was one, however the apologetic train manager, whilst very sorry couldn't explain it.

The time before that was very similar...as was the time before that...and the time before that, though the delays were not quite as bad as last time. I did write to FGW to share my experience as a customer, but the response made me wish ai hadn't bothered, apologising, then quickly telling me I wasn't entitled to compensation, which I hadn't asked for, whilst offering no actual explanation, which I had.

Still my glass is half full and I'm sure all will be well on the outward journey. After all nothing went wrong on the journey in today...once the guard found his keys to be able to unlock the doors on the train so we could board. At least it was sunny, and the delay only a few minutes. And he apologies, and openly admitted to his mistake. A first for this week.

You'll know if all runs to time or not later.

So it's goodnight from me.....and it's goodnight from FGW ;-)

Maybe Jim could Fix It?

As a boy I used to marvel at Jim'll Fix It. The dear departed Sir Jimmy Saville could make complex and simple dreams come through with a mere jangle of his jewellery and a puff on his big cigar. If only he was still alive today as I think he may be the only person who could Fix It for FGW to get trains to run on time.

After the pleasant surprise of an early arrival in sunny London this morning I should have known the return journey would not go so smoothly as thanks to an unexpected hold outside Reading I missed my connecting service home and now have to stand on the new and improved, but unfinished platform 10 waiting for the next train. Still at least the sun is shining. There was no acknowledgement of the late arrival, not even the automated service was sorry. Obviously the complete apathy towards customers service has spread from the top, down through the people and even the machinery.

And here comes my train...hang on...that's not our platform. Oh and there's the tannoy announcement. Must dash....oh and no apology.....puff.....pant....for.....the....last minute...platform change either.......excuse me coming through....

Monday, Monday.....

And my trains delayed...I could almost hear the Mama's and the Papa's re working their classic to sum up the commuters lot, may have to give it a try. It could be a charity single, with all proceeeds ploughed into helping the weary travellers forced through geographical constraints to have to travel on what is officially the UKs least reliable rail service. FGW are to rail travel, what Scotland are to 6 Nations rugby, the best at being the worst. Maybe I should send them a Wooden Spoon (as a Scots rugby fan I can say all of that, and it really pains me.)

So this morning I waited patiently for my train to pull in. Eventually 7 minutes after it was due it arrived. Not bad thought I, will still be at work by 8.30. Well the journey continued, at what at times seemed a leisurely pace. Then we got to Southall, the stop before my final destination. By the time we got there the train was 15 minutes behind schedule. No word had been uttered from the drivers can at any point to acknowledge we were any way delayed. The Southall commuters, who I really feel sorry for as by the time we get there the train is always already rammed to what any sensible person would call capacity. Not FGW though. Anyway everyone squeezed on and the doors closed. The train stayed still. I admired the picturesque scenery of Southall for 5 minutes....the sunlight dancing off the few remaining intact windows of a nearby derelict factory...a graffiti covered wall not quite up to Banksy's standards. After five minutes those people on the platform who had forlornly watched the doors close decided they would see if they could get on. The doors opened and they heaved themselves literally on board. The platform supervisor was far from impressed, blowing her whistle, wagging her finger, shaking her head and telling people in no uncertain terms not to get on the train. Still we sat, no word as to why, when a second wave of the platform gang decided to get on board. This really upset the platform supervisor, who by now resembled a lone soldier fighting a rear-guard action against overwhelming odds. The whistle blew louder, the arms waved wilder, the "no, you cannot board this train" more voluble. Eventually she made her point, but not after a couple of sneak raiders boarded as she moved down the platform. Another 5 minutes passed, and then the 3rd wave advanced...given conditions on board were now more than a little unpleasant (I'm amazed how many people either don't wash or use deodorant) the platform supervisor did receive some on board support to repel boarders. Still no news from the driver. After an 18 minute wait, when I will confess the picturesque view had become a tad boring, the train finally moved. Still no communication from the driver. The only apology I heard was the automated voice at Ealing once I got off the train, you know the one "we are sorry to announce than the 8.18 service to London Paddington has been delayed. First Great Western would like to apologise...blah blah blah. Still at least the automated system was sorry. I'm guessing the driver didn't give a toss as he didn't update us once.

So I was a bit later than I wanted to be getting to work today, however we were happily one minute inside the time that leads to compensation!

Oh and to round the day off the service home is delayed. It was apparently bang on time until the moment it was due to arrive a train not scheduled to stop passed through (hope everyone travelling to the regatta town got home on time, I won't.)

Off to watch the last rays of the sun from my train, rather than my back garden with a nice glass of something in my hand. Ho hum.

Ignorance isn't bliss, it's oblivion...

Is a quote I once read.

I'm guessing the writer was sat on an overcrowded commuter train that was stationary and being held at Southall Station, without any explanation from the driver. Sporadically some of those stood on the platform would open the door and be rebuked by the platform supervisor, however her arm waving and whistle blowing had little effect. Even when we finally moved there was no apology.

Not great FGW, not great at all.

This is a mere mini-blog, bigger one to follow later.

Oh you want your bag to have that empty seat....that's alright then

Why do some people feel that their train ticket gives them the right to use the seat next to them for their bag? In fact today a fellow passenger had a bag on the chair and was utilising both fold down tables for their lap top and various snacks and beverages.

As it was the only only seat in the carriage, I politely asked if the seat was taken. Well if looks could kill...it was almost as if I'd said "would you mind awfully if I kicked you repeatedly in the testicles?" And it's not the first time I've had the look of death, from either a male or female when having the temerity to ask them to let a fellow traveller have a seat.

What is it with these people? Don't they know what the luggage racks are for?

Today's 'twunt' (a word heard on my travels yesterday...thought it sounded good)did more huffing and puffing than the big bad wolf trying to blow the little pigs brick house down as they theatrically (which is what they seem to do) moved their sprawling detritus of bag, beverages and snacks, almost in the hope I'd move on. He was sorely disappointed as I didn't fancy standing up for the journey from Birmingham to Oxford.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a seat on the train, instead of someone's bag, but if in fact I am being unreasonable then please do let me know.

May you all have a wonderful weekend.

Well it's not just FGW...

Was delighted when my train left my home station on time this morning, and deposited me in Oxford to make my connecting train to Birmingham. I was feeling very pleased to have a reserved seat, especially as this is one of those trains that's normally rammed to the gills, and it's a journey that last about an hour and 20, with the train overflowing by the time it leaves Leamington.

I boarded the Cross Country train, walked to my seat and was mildly irritated to see someone sat in it. "Excuse me you are in my seat" (a very nice window seat complete with a plug point so I could keep my gadgets charged...lovely.) "No I'm not," he replied. "I think you are, look I have my reservation here," said I now slightly more irritated, especially as it was a great seat, "I have one too" he replied.

Pesky Internet booking!

I did get a seat, in an aisle by a gentleman carrying even more weight than me. Ho hum.

Air conditioned trains....really

Has anyone else ever sat sweltering on one of FGWs luxurious air conditioned trains, looking at the window opposite and marvelled at the sign "this train is air conditioned. pull handles down for emergency ventilation only."

I have and I am wondering what constitutes emergency ventilation. Is it for times like now when there are a bunch of over heating passengers, not helped by the warm air the air conditioning is pumping through the train? Is it for those times when a passenger, male of female, have liberally applied some Eau d'Napalm and everyone is struggling to breathe? Is it when someone has obviously eaten something that disagrees with them, and has unfortunately and often surreptitiously shared this with the train (silent but deadly I believe such sharing was often referred to in my school days.)

I wish FGW gave greater guidance regarding when emergency ventilation applies as I and many passengers are bloody boiling. Would I be wrong to open the window, and what happens if it's opened but FGW don't feel it's warranted, after all we're all on CCTV. It's clear what happens if I pull the emergency lever and it's not a genuine emergency. But what about the window. I know what I'm going to do, what would you do?

Elbow in the ribs or handbag up the...?

....Arse? This question came to mind as I stood on an cover crowded train with a blokes elbow in my ribs and a woman's handbag rammed against my buttocks. The train is like this every night when I get on at Ealing Broadway. It always only has 3 over flowing carriages. I often ponder what difference an extra carriage would make, would I have an elbow in my ribs or a handbag shoving against my jacksie? And should I really be so annoyed by these invasions of my personal space, especially as I manage not to stick my elbows in anyone's ribs, and my laptop bag goes out of the way onto the parcel shelf? And why does a simple "excuse me would mind removing your elbow from my rib cage or your handbag from my cheeks" cause such apparent offence? It seems like a perfectly reasonable request to me. It's not as if I am retaliating in anyway. Well that's it from me, will be interested in hearing what you'd prefer, an elbow in the ribs or a handbag up the arse....as for me....the elbow wins.

My eyes...it burns...it burns

Now I am not a melodramatic sort of chap, but once again I find myself on a packed train with someone who has used Eau de Napalm instead of some normal inoffensive perfume. There is coughing, spluttering and even tears coming down the cheeks of some fellow passengers but the lady in question is oblivious to the misery and suffering she is causing. Without wishing to decry the efforts of the brave troops of WW1, but having discussed what a mustard gas attack was like with my late Great Grandfather for a school project many many years ago, I now have a greater insight into his experiences. Even the many open windows are doing nothing to shift the noxious cloud and it's effects on the rest of us. How can she not notice the reek of her chosen fragrance? Here's hoping she gets off soon before the effects become more lasting. I am off to rig up some form of breathing apparatus, before taking a few days holiday to celebrate getting another year older. Happy travelling....cough.....splutter.....everyone.

I'm not one of them!

This is more of a tale than a blog, and goes back a few months.

I got on the Exeter bound train, with a view to changing at Reading during the commuter rush. As I sat down at saw a rather unkempt gentleman sat opposite (we were both sat on the fold down chairs where a wheelchair may be positioned.)he was drinking a tin of Carlsberg (other lagers are available)and telling anyone who would listen about going to Glastonbury festival, a fight in Bristol, and various other delightful tales. he was pretty incessant in his tale telling, and quite loud. He turned to the well dressed businessman in the seat beside him and said, "you may as well give me the reserved ticket off the back of me chair as I won't sit beside you...as I know I am a bit smelly." thanks to a blocked nose I hadn't noticed, but the look on the business mans face was one of relief.

The lady beside me was on the phone and trying to discreetly tell the person to about our interesting fellow traveller..she whispered "you won't believe this but there's a homeless person on the train" and when she wasn't heard repeated herself a bit louder. At this point our interesting fellow traveller retorted with more than a hint of pride and passion, "Excuse me, I'm not one of those...I'm a tramp!"

Now until that day I never knew there was a difference, but you live and learn.I wonder precisely what the difference is?

Anyway the tramp (as I can now call him) then told the carriage that no one would sit beside him as he smelt a bit, having not had a good wash for a few days. At this point a guy in a long black coat, carrying a hefty looking book entered the carriage, and sat nonchalantly in the final remaining seat...the one beside the tramp. He then immersed himself in his book. "I'm surprised you sat there" said the tramp."Pardon?" said the man in the black coat."I said I'm surprised you sat there, I stink," said the now smiling tramp, almost as of this was some Olympian achievement."It's not that bad," said the man in the black coat."Really?" asked the now incredulous tramp."Yep, I've smelt worse," added the man in the black coat. "Really?" asked the increasingly incredulous tramp."Yes said the man's, I have two children under 3 and their nappies and potties are far worse than how you smell." "Fair enough said the tramp, I'll shut up then." And he did all the way to Reading, where I and the man in the long black coat got off the train. As I left I heard the tramp say "Well no one else will sit there will they." I wonder if anyone did....

When is late actually late

As I stood waiting for the 7.07am train this morning I noticed it was actually 7.09 on my watch. Yet the overhead signage said the train was "On Time." At 7.10 the train went from being "On Time" to being due at 7.10...and actually arrived at 7.12am. Now these are not large margins, unless you have a connection to make at Reading, in which case on time needs to be on time, especially with all the improvement works (which I am sure will be worth it.) That seems reasonable doesn't it? As I watched the freight train rumble through the station at the time my train was due I knew my train would be late, so why not just be honest on the signs. People cutting it fine for connections can then make other plans. Strangely the 2 minute time lag continued to be present at journeys end (Ealing Broadway today) where the train due at 8.18 was "Exp. to arrive at 8.23" and actually arrived at 8.25. Come one FGW just cough, after all honesty is the best policy, and late is late, even if the sign says "On Time."

By popular demand

So having been entertained by various rants on FB, friends have pestered me into doing a blog. Who am I to deny the masses...well 5 people but it's a start. Now I am a real friend of FGW, commuting on the UKs most criticised route from Oxfordshire into Paddington via Reading. I just want to highlight how it feels to travel on this route, and how marvellous the FGW customer service team are. They are always concerned about my experiences whenever I contact them and very grateful for my feedback. Well as I always say feedback is a gift, and I know what FGW do with the gift I give them....nothing. I will try and keep this blog up to date, and hopefully if nothing else it will brighten up someone else's commute...or at least create a sense of empathy.