What's the story morning glory?

Sang Oasis more than a few years ago. Well I could well ask What's the story FGW?

Tonight when I arrived at Paddington there were a plethora of delayed trains, and when I asked this was due to a faulty train in the Reading area. Once I boarded the 1833 Exeter service so I would at least get to Reading the defective train reason remained. However once I get to Reading the delays are all due to inclement weather conditions.

What you and I would actually describe as a normal rainy Autumnal day. It's hardly Hurricane Sandy out there (says I sheltering in the footbridge rather than standing in the shelter free Platform 10 for 30 mins.) it's not even heavy rain, just your average rainy day. What's so astonishingly inclement about that? And where has the defective train gone? Did it ever exist? Will I ever get an accurate answer from FGW?

I do actually know the answer, it's just FGW are not going to say "We apologise for the delays to your services this evening, this is due to the fact we are not renewing the franchise and couldn't give a flying fig about you lot, just keep buying the tickets as we are happy to fleece you whilst not delivering a decent service." Actually the apologies all seem a bit hollow. They really don't care. Good job the government are reviewing the North Western Mainline services decision as First Group would only balls that up too.

Cynical, maybe....accurate.....probably.

What's another letter among friends

Tonight's service was so bad I ended up writing another letter to Mark Hopwood, albeit a shorter one, which was entitled 'Icing on the cake.' It was short and sweet, and said all that was required...#FGWarerubbish

Dear Mark,

Further to my update it is now 2204, and the 2158 Oxford service has moved about 150 yards from Reading station and stopped. There really can be no valid excuse for this lamentable service, and there has been no communication from the driver. 2205 now.

Poor, very poor

I surprised myself that I didn't sink to profanity given how furious I was. I'm not sure what sort of response I'll get, but will let you know.

Goodnight, and safe travelling.

Hello, is it me your looking for....

...Mr Hopwood, MD of FGW? No....didn't think so.

Another sterling effort in setting new levels of incompetence tonight. Thought I'd drop my mate Mark another line. Ended up sending him 2 letters, must be a record, as his organisation has wasted so much of my time tonight. Here's the first. I think he may realise that I'm more than a tad miffed. However my wee notes of rebellion will never waste as much of his time as his organisation wastes of mine, they are however highly cathartic. And don't forget to use #FGWarerubbish on Twitter if you have a bad experience....imagine if that started trending, someone may actually have to pay some attention.

Anyway here's the first letter;

Dear Mark,

Tonight your service has hit a new low. The delays caused by an incident at Ealing Broadway I can understand. However as a now rather weary traveller at the end of a long day who finally left Paddington on the 2027 service to Radley, I and my fellow passengers are more than a tad frustrated to pull into Reading, think we are only a few stops from home (a family I spoke to who were also travelling to Cholsey were relieved they only had 20 mins to go as their young daughters were obviously ready for bed) when the driver, without warning nor explanation said "I'm very sorry ladies and gentleman but I've just been told this service has been cancelled. If you leave the train please listen for platform announcements advising you on how to make your onward journey."

I, and the family did - and the garbled announcement may as well have been made in Serbo-Croat!

I asked one of the platform staff what the alternatives were, given it was 21.24 and I was due to be home by 21.41. I was even more over-joyed to discover that my alternatives were to hang around on a rather chilly platform 10 and wait for the 2157 local stopping service. Also no one could give me a reason for cancelling the train, not that that would change things, may have helped me be a bit more understanding.

I went to the info desk in the main foyer to double check and see if there was an alternative to hanging around wasting yet more of my precious time thanks to FGW, but there was no one there, apart from a queue of 10-12 customers hoping to get advice.

I work in retail, and if we treat our customers as poorly as your company routinely does we have to give them a refund, and some compensation. However, I know from previous correspondence that's not how your company works.(I do remain slightly grateful for the train tickets to Cornwall, however things really aren't getting better, and memories of that trip and the goodwill it made me have towards FGW are fading fast.)

It really isn't good enough, especially given the price we regular commuters pay to 'enjoy' your service. I look forward to hearing how you are seeking to resolve the service issues, as more rolling stock etc isn't really working. I also look forward to hearing how you will attempt to restore my previous good will, as I am finding it a challenge to be constructive.

When you go will you send back a letter...

From America sang the Reid twins, aka the Proclaimers many years ago. Well tonight on my train I've written a letter, not from America, but from an overcrowded commuter train to the MD of FGW.
I will share it with you shortly, however before I do want to suggest a nice wee wheeze. I've been putting Twitter posts about poor experiences ending in #FGWarerubbish . If you tweet why not do the same whenever you have a bad experience too.

Anyway here is my letter to Mark, the MD. Feel free to give me feedback on it.

Dear Mark,

I am sorry to disturb you again, however tonight's journey home is one of those tipping point moments.

As before I will try and be constructive. Having had 5 carriages on the Paddington to Oxford/Banbury route has been excellent. Trains have been crowded, however not overly so, with people choosing to stand for a quick exit even with the odd seat available. Well done for that.

Imagine therefore my delight, and that of many fellow passengers, this evening when having stood in a spot that would get me (and them) on the fifth (or fourth carriage for some of them) the train only had 3 carriages.

Oh joy I thought as we moved along the carriage and crammed into the almost overflowing carriage.

Oh dear I thought when a larger gentleman than I lost his footing as the brakes were applied at Southall, fell into me (a mere 17 and a bit stone prop forward) and as I tried to prevent him falling to the ground and causing himself and others an injury (which I did,) I planted my size 11 foot on that of the young lady behind me. I duly apologised, and it's fortunate I was able to support the gentleman in question. I would suggest checking CCTV to view this incident, however the overcrowding means you'll miss it.

Why on earth has the service gone back to 3 carriages, especially on a Friday night when more people are leaving London and heading home than any other night. If it's a one off there was nothing to tell us this. Please don't treat us like mushrooms, keep us informed, it does help.

This comes on the back of more than 3 weeks where at least one service (to or from London/Ealing Broadway) I've had the misfortune to use has been delayed, and more normally both.

When we last corresponded things did seem to have been improving, however from my point of view they have deteriorated, and are even worse than they have ever been.

I was even greeted almost cheerfully by on delayed trains Train Manager with the following words, "I know, I know we are dire aren't we. And it's not getting any better is it." Very honest of him, but given the way he delivered not necessarily what I needed to hear as I was thinking how to apologise to two board members as to why I couldn't be on time to a meeting (I'm not sure what your tolerance to delayed meetings is, however most senior execs I've worked with are generally a tad disgruntled.)

And when things do go wrong, particularly at Reading it really does seem that the team there are incapable of basic organisational skills (I always think of that well known phrase involving a party at a brewery.) Last night we were delayed to 2 broken down trains, apparently, and when we eventually got to the station I made my way to platform 10 to catch the 1918 home. Then, as seems to always be the case, there was a last minute platform change so a dash up the stairs and over the bridge to platform 9, where further chaos ensued as this is the service that splits, with the front 3 carriages (despite the notice boards saying its the front 2 only every singe time) going to Oxford, and the back 3 becoming the 1921 to Bedwyn. This wasn't particularly clear, so we had to sit a while until things got sorted. We then pulled out only to stop about 150 yards from the platform (another frequent occurrence, as is the halt outside Reading for no apparent reason, we had another 3 minute one of those tonight.)

I find all of this very frustrating, and all these delays waste the one resource I cannot get back. Time. Time making the right impression on senior leaders in my business, time with the people I support in the business I work with, time training for my next match, time with friends, and most importantly time with my 2 young sons and wonderful wife.

You cannot give me back this precious time, however I would be interested in knowing how you will try to prevent it being wasted in future, and how you may like to make up for it in some way to my family. I have not been home in time to put my boys to bed for over 3 weeks, despite leaving work at a time I should be in a position to do so on the vast majority of evenings. This just isn't good enough, and I'm actually looking forward to some upcoming minor knee surgery as it means I will not have to use your service for a week.

Oh and one final gripe, what the point of power points for phones and laptops on trains that don't work? This is the 21st century.

Now as I say, I always try and be constructive, and I do want to finish on a positive. The works at Reading station are beginning to take shape and I'm sure it will look magnificent.

If Carlsberg did railway lines....

...the wouldn't do First Great Western.

I've now decided not to write about elated journeys, as I'd be doing that every day and it gets dull. I will however post when moments of gross ineptitude rear their heads.

So for tonight's tail. Having arrived at Paddington at 1847, just missing the fast Swansea service via Reading I quickly worked out that the next fastest service home, having discounted the delayed Oxford service was the 1900 to Bristol. Soon it's platform was announced - Platform 1. I and many others made our way there and boarded, only to note the window stickers said 'Plymouth', which is a later train. I eventually found a train crew member, who wasn't actually sure as they were due to be on the Bristol train it a colleague had just said this was the Plymouth train.

Then came the inevitable apologetic announcement, confirming the train at Platform 1 was the Plymouth train, and those wishing to travel to Bristol had to move to Platform 9. I joined the rush, and with a coup,e of side-steps, a body-check (on a gentleman larger than me, so no guilt was felt when he walked into me) and a surprising turn of pace I made the journey, and gratefully took one of the few remaining seats.

As I sat the apologetic announcements continued, and then to top it off customers were advised via tannoy to head to platform 10 to join the 1845 Swansea service....which had left already, so anyone who followed that advice would have found an empty platform.

As a work colleague of mine would say on such occassions......Jackpot.

Safe travelling everyone.

I'm late, I'm late....

Cried the Rabbit in Lewis Carroll's tales involving Alice. Lewis Carroll wrote the books in Oxford, and used to travel the Great Western Railway. I wonder if this was a little bit of foresight in his part, seeing what people would say when First Group ran the line? Probably not, however these are words I frequently heard passengers say this morning.

It all started with the cancellation of the 7.20 service from Cholsey, which is normally an 8 carriage 125 train. The reason given for the cancellation was "a train was delayed in travelling from the depot." it wasn't given as broken down, or anything else, merely delayed. So why wasn't the service merely delayed?

I as many other did then waited patiently for the 7.34 service, which was a two carriage DMU.

We all boarded and there were not many seats left, in fact after the next station it was standing room only. By Tilehurst we had to leave the majority of would be passengers behind. At Reading the same thing happened even after an exodus. It was only once we got to Maidenhead that the driver as part of their apology re the fact we couldn't take all passengers admitted that this train normally had more carriages, however we only had two due to a breakdown of an engine.  I lost count of how many passengers failed to catch the train today, bearing in mind this was probably their second choice after the cancelled service I also feel really sorry for them.

If you were one of those left behind then write to Mark Hopwood, MD of FGW, as I know he likes to receive feedback on the service provided.

And if you didn't make it on, I can offer a slight crumb of comfort....it was far from pleasant on the train in terms of cramped conditions, and some rather unfortunate odours produced by fellow passengers.

Ch....ch....changes

.....last minute platform changes rather than Mr Bowies wonderful tune is the subject for tonight's rant.

After a lovely trip to Cornwall courtesy of FGW I have experienced minor delays on every day of travel since resuming my commute, however because they were minor didn't really think youd want to hear about them. Tonight however, having left work in a happy frame of mind I now need to grumble.

My first grumble is that again a train I was on was delayed, although if it wasn't for the mysterious halt outside Reading we may well have been on time. The only plus was that for the first time this week the air con worked, good job given how busy the train was and how hot it is.

My second grumble is having bough a bottle of water and strolled to platform 10 in good time to catch the 1918 service home there was a last minute platform change. Now I know these announcement induce a sense of panic in some at the thought of a quick sprint up the stairs, over the bridge and down again, but that doesn't bother me that much . What does is when the announcement in a female voice goes "First Great Western regret to announce to passengers on Platform 10 that...(mans voice kicks in) this is a platform change, will passengers for Manchester Picaddilly please go to platform 4, I repeat Manchester Picadilly Passengers to platform 4." job done, no apology, and no further reference to Platform 10 passengers. Platform staff when questioned are just as bemused, and then the magical mystery tour begins as we all run up the steps, spot that the screens have finally updated, and run down some more stairs to the correct platform......just in time.

Then feeling relieved to be on the right train home pulling out of the station FGW deliver the coup de grace. After moving 500 yards we stop. And wait......in silence.......and wait some more. As a friend of mine says in such situations "Jackpot!"

Thanks FGW for a whole week of late trains and delaying the start to my weekend, I've even missed putting the boys to bed. I am now going to drink beer!

Have a good weekend everyone, safe and speedy travelling.

Isn't it ironic...

...sang Alanis Morisette a few years ago.

The same thought went through my head as our complimentary journeys both to and from Cornwall on FGW were delayed. The irony was that the complimentary first class tickets were given to me by way of compensation for some severely delayed journeys.

Both our outbound and return journeys were delayed due to volume of passengers, and I have to confess I've never seen such a packed first class section on a train before. At least the scenery on the Cornish Eiviera Express is stunning, I'd recommend the journey to anyone, especially the stretch between Exeter and Saltash.

I will give credit where it's due to the platform operative at Liskeard, where we returned from as she marshalled the passengers superbly to ensure boarding was swift. Sadly that didn't happen elsewhere, hence the delays, exacerbated towards the end of the journey when the patience of my 2 boys finally ran out...the last 10 minutes of the journey and the time we had to wait at Reading was parental hell. Can't blame them, and they had been as good as gold (an elderly lady even praised them.)

Thenoys did jn fact make me proud, they didn't even make a big deal of the fact a couple's dog had to do do a poo in mid-journey, luckily they got to the vestibule, unluckily it dropped its payload on both sides of the corridor. The stench was unbelievable as the mortified couple struggled to clear the twin deposits with loo roll, blocking of the toilets in the process. I think they may drive next time as at least they can let the dog out occasionally.

I would like to praise the lady in charge of the platform at Liskeard as she was superb in terms of guiding passengers and ensuring swift boarding despite increased volumes. If only her best practice had happened at both Plymouth and Exeter we may not have been as late getting home.

And back into work in London for the first time in a week today. Train was late due to trackside equipment issue at West Ealing, lots of apologies, 'nuff said.

What a difference a day makes...

Last week I thought finally, FGW have cracked it. Each day my train to work was on time, and each day it ran to schedule getting me home too. Well done FGW I thought.

And Instill think well done on one thing, there are more carriages on the cattle-truck service from Ealing Broadway to Banbury I catch at 1733, when it's on time, and that is making journeys more comfortable. So well done for that.

However in terms of punctuality normal service has been resumed. Now to be fair this mornings train to work left my home station on time...then somewhere on route we managed to start to run late, for no good reason....unless its the wrong sort of heat (as its quite a warm day.) Then tonight the train home was late in leaving Ealing Broadway too. It's more disappointing as I know that a punctual service can be done, and was maintained for a week.

As for the alleged air conditioning, having followed the MDs advice, and persuaded fellow passengers to close windows to help it be more efficient, I've decided it's obviously powered by an asthmatic hamster...we've given in and opened the windows again.

On a plus side I am looking forward to a gratis First Class trip to Cornwall later this week. Thank you FGW for that. And for those of you who don't like to complain, it is worth it when your complaint is genuine...

Anyway must go, I've found a slight draught and want to try and cool down.

For every drop of rain that falls, the Sahara desert says it all...

...it's a Miracle....sang the late great Freddie Mercury of Queen.

Well today I know how he feels. Having had a 2 week break from the commuting grindstone, during which I received a very nice e-mail from the MD of FGW in response to a spot of feedback I left my house with a heavy heart.

How late would my train be, I wondered. The info boards at the station claimed it was on-time, however I've learned to mistrust those pesky bits of kit. Therefore I more than pleasantly surprised when at 7.06 the train pulled in and then left bang in time. I was delighted when we then continued to run to timetable all the way to Ealing Broadway. What a great start to my day. Thank you FGW.

However when I left work, the normal sense of fear and unease had returned, after all it had all been so easy this morning. Well Imwas even more surprised as I stood at Ealimg Broadway watching the rain clouds gathering, and the sky darkening overhead, as once more the train was on time. And as promised in his very nice e-mail there were 5 coaches. Due to the Olympics/School Holidays there were less passengers than usual on the platform so as an added bonus everyone has a seat and we are not playing sardines..

Well done again FGW, long may this continue. Maybe it's the Olympic effect, however tonight I feel optimistic. Now if you can just sort the air con then perfection will have been achieved.

Was it 5 or was it 6, in the excitement I've lost count...question is do you feel lucky, punk...

...well I'm certainly not feeling lucky if Dirty Harry asked me that question. FGW have managed to deliver me late to my destination on at least one of my 2 daily journeys towards Paddington and then home again for 7 consecutive days.

Tonight as I stood in the rain at Ealing Broadway the mis-information board told me my service was 5 minutes late, whilst the tannoy said approximately 6 minutes. Doesn't sound much, however I left my home station bang on time on the journey into work and got to Ealing Broadway 5 minutes late. Tonight we actually left 10 minutes late (approximately 6 if you are FGW.) allowing for the 5 minutes minimum we will lose on the homeward journey I will get home 15 minutes late, and may now once again miss putting my sons to bed, as number one's internal clock has him conk out at 7, whilst number 2 now likes to go at the same time (albeit I will be in time to then fight the sleep battle with him as he doesn't drift off like his older brother.)

It's not what I pay around £450 per month for. i accept that on occassions delays are unavoidable, like when some poor soul chooses to end their life.

However that's not been the case on any of the delays I've suffered. It seems to me that ineptness can be the only reason, and if I was delivering such a poor service then I think I'd find there were 6 bullets in figurative the chamber, and I'd join the list of the unemployed having been fired (following appropriate due process obviously, have to say that as an HR professional.)

So what are the consequences within FGW then? None that I can see as a beleaguered passenger, stuck in the trenches with my fellow commuting foot soldiers. We continue to battle to get to work on time, and to return home punctually too, however the enemy bombards us with tardiness. Maybe I should just give up, and rejoin the motorists of Britain. Maybe I should get a cupboard in London, the rent would match my train fare, and only see my family at the weekend.Or maybe I should lead a full frontal assault on Fortress Paddington, and gain access to the FGW boardroom. Once there I'a would force the CEO, who seems like a nice chap when he writes, to join me on one of the cattle trucks and see what he thinks of the journey. Now that's an idea...or I could just write to him and invite him to join me on a typical commute, though if I do that I bet that's one train that runs to time, has enough space and maybe even has air con that works.

On a positive note the delayed tran did have 2 extra carriages tonight...still a squeeze to Slough but at least the effort was made. Credit where credit is due.

Time after time...

As Cyndi Lauper would have sung if she had used FGW trains - "If I'm late, and you look then you will find me, still on the train"

For the last 3 days I've had at least one delayed journey to or from work.

On Friday I was delayed getting home. I got to Paddington in good time, boarded one of the recently re-introduced fully air conditioned, power points for laptops, trains home. Result I thought....until asked to get off the train as it had broken down. So much for the work carried out to improve reliability. We waited then all the passengers off that train, plus a few more toddled off to platform 9 where a DMU cattle truck awaited. Only the first 5 carriages were ours, so we had to walk past a couple of unused carriages and squeezed into our stalls...I mean seats. The train was seriously over crowded, with a large part of my journey spent with an elbow in the side of my head. And the air con was as much use as a chocolate fire guard. Those extra couple of carriages would have made all the difference, and I do have genuine health and safety concerns re the number of us rammed aboard.

On Monday night as I stood under glowering skies I was grateful that my train arrived 5 minutes late, however before the rain. That was until once more we were crammed in like sardines in a tin. The train was even more seriously overcrowded than on Friday, being only 3 carriages long. Again the air con was ineffectual. The driver then spent most of the journey reminding cyclists that full size bikes were not allowed, and apologising for the increasing delay as the poor train was obviously suffering under the strain of being severely over loaded. Again I really have to wonder if any thought is given to the safety of the passengers wedged in. And I heard the most overly used word in the FGW staff vocabulary, "sorry" more times than I care to remember. Do wonder how sorry FGW and their staff are.

Then this morning I caught the semi-fast service from Cholsey at 7.20. It arrived a couple minutes late (first sorry of the day.) By the time we got to Tilehurst the train manager announced we were 6 minutes late. By Maidenhead we were running at least 20 minutes late. Another apology followed to inform us we were stuck behind a local stopping service, however should soon pass it when we moved into the fast line....followed by another to say we hadn't moved onto the fast line and "I don't know why, maybe it is due to us running in one engine." We did eventually get to Paddington, however due to our late running I missed an important conference call (won't blame the signal black spot on FGW, just wouldn't have been in it if we'd ran to time) and I was extremely late for a meeting.

I am sure that if an wrote to FGW I'd be told how sorry they were, however,an don't believe it any more. I do however hope FGW do not keep up their strike rate and I actually have a punctual service both ways tomorrow....however I won't hold my breath.

Sitting on he dock of the bay...

...well the 7.07 from Cholsey to Ealing Broadway, which has now been stationary for a good half hour. Apparently someone has been taken ill on a train at Maidenhead. I wish them a speedy and full recovery, they will be pleased to know that their predicament was originally described in announcement as minor technical difficulties.

What I'd like to know is, as I watch trains speeding past on the adjoining rail tracks, including the service that was after mine, is why we can't simply move to some points and go around the blockage. It seems madness that there is no plan B for such eventualities. In fact what's the point of points if you are not going to use them?

Is it truly beyond the wit of man, or whoever controls the rail traffic on this line to come up with a solution? Or are we regular commuters the poor relations of those on the express services (and a couple of non-express services to be fair) who have gone speeding past us.

Another announcement...and it is indeed beyond the wit of man, or our signalman at least, who is in regular contact with our driver.

Oh well another round or two of Angry Birds for me it is then...and maybe some Stick Tennis

Suicide is painless...

...according to the lyrics of the theme from M.A.S.H.

Well it isn't. Last night my, and many other journeys home, or into London were delayed by a fatality on the rails at Hayes & Harlington. We all assume that this individual chose to take their own life, and whilst it may have been an accident experience tells us it was not.

In these tragic cases I feel sorry for a number of people.

I feel sorry for the friends and family left behind, wondering why they didn't spot anything wrong, and what could they have done.

I feel sorry for the train driver who will be blaming themselves, even though it was something they could not have avoided.

I feel sorry for the passengers on the train in question who will feel some vicarious responsibility even though they have even less control than the driver.

I feel sorry for all the FGW staff and Emergency service teams at the sight of the incident who have to deal with the whole event and it's aftermath.

I feel sorry for the staff at all the stations who then have to deal with anxious, curious and in some cases disgruntled passengers who are now trying to figure out how and when they will get home to loved ones, or if they will make their flight at Heathrow

I feel sorry for my fellow travellers as I shares the anxiety, though I am annoyed when knowing what happened as for once communications were clear, when people get disgruntled, as someone has just lost a life.

I feel sorry for the victim if it was an accident. If it was suicide I'm sorry they spoke to no one and failed to get help as they have wasted a life. I am angry that they have done so without thinking of the impact on all the other people they know, and don't know.

Suicide is far from painless, and if you ever feel that low then please, please reach out for help....it will be there.

Climb every mountain

Well I could just rant and moan about FGWs usual service, i.e. at least one train I'm on a day being late but you are probably all bored with that so thought I'd share a conversation I overheard between a mother and her long-haired student son.

Mum - "it says in the newspaper people are queuing to climb Everest."
Son - "yeah well it's much easier these days, and they have really luxurious base camps."
Mum - "but I though 10 people died there recently."
Son - "oh yeah, over a year but out of thousands that's not so bad. I reckon more people die doing the 3 Peaks Challenge in the UK."
Mum - "what through oxygen deprivation."
Son - "Absolutley, especially on Ben Nevis."

Now I do not wish to decry the challenge of climbing Ben Nevis, Snowdon and Scaffell the highest mountains in Scotland, Wales and England but I do think the hound feller over-egged the pudding.

It's close to midnight...And something evil's lurking in the dark

And they are probably drunk!

I am sat on Reading Station platform once more, having 'enjoyed' yet another fabulous journey with FGW. As usual the local fauna is best described as interesting ( or more accurately in various states of fatigue, and inebriation.)

It started quite well, arrived at Paddington at 10.20pm, went on National Rail enquiries website to check quickest tran home, then strolled nonchalantly to the 10.45 Swansea service,with a view to getting home by 11.45pm.

All was well with the world. The buffet car was full of people topping up their alcohol levels, and there were seats aplenty. 'Marvellous' I thought as I started catching up on Facebook, Twitter, e-mails etc. then came the first hint of trouble, at 10.45.

"Would te train manager please contact the train driver," came the announcement over the tannoy. I flippantly posted this on Facebook and asked if I should be worried....most who responed answered yes. How right they were. The next announcement was said very quickly, "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is the train manager, this train has developed a slight technical issue, but fitters are on hand and we should soon be moving." 30 seconds later,"hello again ladies and gentlemen, this is the train manager, due to a fault with then train headlights this service is now cancelled, please move to the neighbouring train on platform 3." He then repeated this message as we all grabbed our stuff and ran for it, except those who'd just bought drinks in the buffet car. They appeared confused, should they finish drinks then. Move, or take them with them? Most after a bit of thought transported the drinks so as not to miss the train.

We boarded at 10.47pm. Another announcement then followed, "Good evening ladies and gentlement, apologies again for the delay we will be underway as soon as all passengers have left the previous train and join us on this one." 15 minutes later we were still sat there as new people joined our merry throng. One optimistic soul advised another not to worry as they had reserved seats so it didn't matter that the train had filled up. Given the state of some of my fellow passengers I'm not sure moving them if they were in their seats was an option.

Eventually we left London, not 100% sure of the time due to indulging in some Facebook and twitter banter. mainly I was typing out fellow customers reactions to moving (we had a very loud French gentleman who's grasp of the English language is best described as colourful...I won't repeat his remarks here, but in summary he was pleased to be moving as he had feared missing his holiday next week....even FGW are not that bad.)

We then had a cheery announcement from the buffet car manager, which made a few of us laugh. I would repeat his brilliant little re-opening speech, but know that the MD of FGW is aware of this post, and it may not be read the way it was intended. I thought it was genius.

Once we left London it's safe to say it was not full steam ahead! We eventually arrived at Reading where I was less than delighted to see how long I'd have to wait for a train.

Deep joy, I was now going to get home tomorrow, as I had to wait for the 12.24am service.

So I started typing this blog to share my experience. And then the inevitable last minute platform change happened.

I was therefore delighted to see the service I'a was waiting for pull in, the overhead signs said it was formed of 4 coaches so, from past experience, and to avoid the torrential rain further along the platform I'a boarded coach 4 admit would be the one that lined up with the exit once the train arrived at my home station. Then came the first little cherry on the cake.

"would passengers in the rear 2 coached lease move forward as we are going to lock the off for the remainder of the journey." 2 questions, why wait until we have boarded to do so, and why continue given the majority of travellers had go on the rear 2 carriages? Well done FGW, I'm sure there is a logical answer, it just escapes me at this time.

The second little cherry, we left Reading late, despite all passengers having moved in time.

I do so look forward to getting home, going to sleep, the heading back in the opposite direction in about 6 hours time.

Happy days!

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please....

...may be what is going through the chaps mind I am stood by on the 1748 service to Cheltenham.

I hope I find out, when the guy behind the express cafe counter finally serves him. After a big announcement to say it was open, and the almost theatrical flourish of the shutter opening, our Cafe Manager (or whatever his job title may be)has managed to avoid all eye contact for 5 minutes with anyone here, including my fellow traveller who appears to be waving his £20 note like a flag of surrender as his "excuse me" and less than subtle coughs have been ignored.

He has played with his card machine, scanned and scrutinised what looks like a stock list, and then counted stock, whilst occasionally appearing to look around but in such a way he sees nothing. It is a masterful display of how not to meet customer needs.

And my fellow customer is now stood stoically with his £20 wafting in a draft.

But wait, finally our less than alert Cafe Manager has spotted him. With a tut as his count is interrupted he puts down the stock sheet and approaches the weary looking passenger. Good news the orders in, and my curiosity is satisfied.

Enjoy your Guinness, nuts and fruit cake my friend, you deserve them.

Thinking of others is quite a nice thing to do...

Today's blog is a bit different, no complaint about FGW despite the fact I've had 3 out of 4 trains run a few minutes late and am now sitting on Reading Station platform having had to leave a broken train, and am waiting for what will now be the next ever so overcrowded service home. All due to some faulty doors, which I'll come back to. No today is a plea to my fellow passengers.

It's bad enough that we are on what is statistically the UK's least reliable line, it's bad enough that by the time we get to Hayes and Harlington in the morning, or board any train out of Paddington that finding the room to breath is a challenge, so why do so many fellow passengers add to the misery. Here are some words of sage advice;

When coughing put your hand over your mouth instead of spraying as many people as you can...being sprayed with someone else's phlegm is most unpleasant.

Instead of sniffing and snorting incessantly blow your nose, you'll feel much better...so will the rest of the carriage.

You can make I-pad keyboards silent so no one has to hear you tap tap tapping away. You can also turn off the whooshy e-mail sent notification too. We can see you have an I-pad, we dont need to hear it. Similar a light touch is all that's required when using a laptop keyboard...bashing it that hard will break it.

I-pods, other MP3 players, mobiles and other music playing devices are for your own musical enjoyment, not mine and the rest of the carriage, turn it down or get better headphones.

Don't wait to be asked to move your bags from a seat so someone can sit down, some people (not me) don't like to be asked. It's what the over-head baggage rack is for...the clue is in the name.

Letting your children play with their new whistles when people are on the way home from work is not big, and it's not clever. Whistles are for outside, not confined spaces.

No one really wants to hear your latest business deal, or about how much of a headache you have, or how you pulled on your night out, mobile phones are quite advanced these days, no need to shout...you could even use social media, e-mail or texts.

Finally, if the doors are beeping and starting to close don't leap through them like a deranged gazelle, you may make it out unhurt, but you will ruin everyone else's trip home as the doors will break and the service will be cancelled. And you don't want that on your conscience do you...(you NUMPTY!)

These simple words of advice will make all our lives more pleasant.

If Carlsberg did unreliable railways with poor communication...

Then First Great Western would be the one.

Last week only one journey home was on time, and I had such a poor experience I actually wrote to the Chief Exec, Mark Hopwood. A lackey from Customer Services now has me in a holding pattern and Im not holding my breath whilst I await a response.

Today has been another poor experience. Our train left Ealing Broadway 5 minutes after its due departure time of 17.33....not bad considering. Then we were held at Slough, and again somewhere in the middle of nowhere after Slough eventually arriving at Reading at 18.48, about the time I'd normally get home. I began to relax as it was only 20-ish minutes to home, may just get there in time to read my 2 young boys a story and put them to bed.

Then the driver came on "Ladies and Gentlemen I've just been told this is now a fast service to addict. if you are travelling to Tilehurst, Pangbourne, Goring & Streatley and Cholsey then please get off the train, you need to get off the train." So I and a few regulars I recognised did just that, stepping into the chaos of Reading station, where platform staff have an uncanny knack of vanishing mysteriously as you approach to get guidance on how you will actually get home.

I was a tad miffed to say the least, as were my fellow evictees from the train. Eventually I got to the info desk. Good news the next service was the 1857 from platform 9. Bad news it was also late, due in at 1909.

Well I went to platform 9 and waited patiently. A train pulled in at 1905, no longer for public use...damn. It then sat there, and was still sitting there at 1909 when I could see the train aI was meant to catch in the distance being held outside the station. And then the inevitable happened, it started moving towards the station and a platform change was announced. I joined the weary horde of now even more disgruntled passengers trying to squeeze onto the escalators and up onto the bridge to make our way to the new platform. I think we all made it, FGW staff probably realised if we hadn't then there may well have been a justifiable riot!

I have just got home at 1935, so only 45 minutes late. I've missed putting the boys to bed again.

As I said if Carlsberg did unreliable railways with poor communication then there really would only be one winner.

They should call them misinformation boards

As I stood at Paddington at 9.30 ish tonight it appeared that the majority of trains were preparing, even the 9.15 to Swansea was preparing, not delayed, merely preparing for its eventual 9.38. I had hoped to hop on this train as far as Reading, but once it was announced it transpired a lot of Welsh people had also be preparing to ge those, so there was no room. It was only when I got to the platform to see the Taffia diving on board that any information was given to say why the train was still preparing, not delayed though. Transpires some animals had gotten on the line, if the misinformation boards were to be believed of course given that all those preparing trains were actually delayed. Maybe FGW thought by saying preparing we wouldn't notice.

As for the animals on the line, whatever happened to cow catchers being fitted to trains like in the Wild West, and days of early steam. Animal vs train, one winner surely, and if the animals have any sense they will get out of the way. I am of course assuming it was cows, or horses or sheep...unless of course a horde of guinea pigs had got on the line, after all we wouldn't want to harm cute little fluffy things like that.

Anyway got to Rwading and the misinformation boards said my train was due at 10.32. Then it was due at 10.35. It actually arrived at 10.38, but the misinformation board was doing that weird FGW Twilight Zone thing, stating the accurate time yet saying the train was still due at 10.35.

Maybe I should share this with my new friend Mark, who is Cheif Exec of FGW and who will respond to a letter I sent him shortly. What do you think, is it worth it?

Mushroom management is the FGW way!

I know FGW is not to blame for the track, but today has been a day of trackside equipment failure, and not just on my FGW route. It all started at Dartford, where lots of railway employees paraded the platforms as train after train was delayed. Did any of them know the issue...well they all thought they did, but each answer was different. Good to know ineptness spreads beyond FGW. When that train to Charing Cross finally arrived we then had the fun of each station platform sign saying it was a Victoria bound service, and the driver having to announce it wasn't. then there was the fun of watching all the passengers wanting to go to Victoria getting off, and all the Charing Cross ones get on, plus debates, despite the drivers very clear announcements as to where the train was going. Chaos reigned supreme.

When I eventually got to Charing Cross and headed to the Bakerloo line I did so in hope that within 30 mins I'd be on a train out of Paddington heading home. As ai emerged from the Underground those hopes we're dashed.

Every train had the word 'delayed' beside it. I tried to find out what was going on. There was the occasional muttered announcement, but due to the large crowd and noise of conversation (mostly on mobiles saying sorry I'll be late home...no, no idea when they will be running again etc.) these announcements were as much use as a chocolate fire guard.

Thank goodness for the t'interweb, as that told me the problem. It also told me things weren't much better at Waterloo so I may as well wait it out (despite helpful advice from a couple of FGW employees to go to Waterloo!)

To all who stood with me, and who joined various stampedes for the trains when they started running, I feel your pain.

I was just about to buy a bottle of water and sandwich having queued for a wee while when my train was announced. I joined the Oxford bound passengers who thronged through the station like a herd of migrating wildebeeste and was delighted to arrive at a train less platform. The train arrived 5 minutes later, and there was then a vigorous scrummaging session as some impatient fools tried to get on as others tried to get off.

Eventually all was calm, the train was boarded and we got underway.

Still FGW showed they excelled at one thing, mushroom management...they left us in the dark (in terms of communication) covered us in shit (in terms of wrong advice) and hoped it would all turn out ok.

Out of the mouths of babes...

Its bad enough when trains are late during the working week, yesterday mornings being 22 minutes late.

But when you have a family outing with 2 excited little boys, waiting for a delayed train is even worse! You get the following conversation with number one son;

"Is that one our train Daddy" Reply,"No son it's not."

"what about that one" "No son that one isn't either."

"Oh....so when will it be our one?" "I don't know son."

"Why is our train late daddy?" "I don't know son, the information screen up there just says delayed."

"oh Daddy I can see a train coming, is that one ours?" "No son, that's a freight train."

"Daddy, are trains always late?" "Not always son."

"But trains make you late home lots" "Yes they do son"

"Trains are rubbish daddy...." long pause from Daddy "Oh look theirs our train."

2 small boys "Yeah!"

Number one son..."At last that was a long boring wait."

Well at least he gained an insight into Daddy's travels with FGW. And even though it was already late it still did the ridiculous long pause at Didcot rather than trying to make up time. Again number one son had a view "Daddy, we've been waiting here for a very long time, and we are already late!"

If a 4 year old can see it why not a large transport company!

Don't worry my Lord, I have a cunning plan...

I read with interest today that one of the higher ups at Chiltern Railways obviously went to The University of Cunning, Cunnungtown, in the County of Cunning, as they have asked Tony Robinson, aka Baldrick from Blackadder, to teach their drivers how to do comedy announcements to brighten up passengers journeys.

What an interesting idea. I wonder if FGW have given it some thought, and which announcers they would use. I have a few thoughts.

Richard Wilson in Victor Meldrew mode could say, "What, we've arrived on time....I don't believe it!" or "Will you bloody well move down the train so other people can get on,"
Max Boyce or Rhod Gilbert could obviously do any Welsh journeys.I can imagine Max's famous catchphrase in use "Look we were on time yesterday, I know because I was there!"
Russell Howard could be the voice on Bristol services, "Good news, we were only delayed by 15 minutes."
Basil Fawlty could thrash the trains with a branch whenever they are late, and be the voice of services passing through Devon...I'd pay to see that.
Rab C Nesbit could be used to discourage customers who insist on using a seat for their luggage..."See you'se people wie yer bags on a perfectly good seat that I could sit ma arse on if it wisnae for yon bags...you think we're scum...well we may may be scum boy...but my wee cheeks are a damn site more important so shift it you wee streak o' pish."

They are just a few of my thoughts, which I hope FGW would find interesting, and not one apology amongst them...not sure who I'd have for those announcements.

So who would you like to hear, and what things can you imagine them saying?

It's goodnight from me....and it's goodnight from him ;-)

I'm still standing...

Continuing the theme of Elton John titles...well if the second one used can be called a theme.

I find myself standing on a regularly overcrowded service from Paddington to home, wondering why it is FGW do not seem to be able to match passenger numbers to the number of carriages needed.

My exasperation is added to by looking into an unused First Class section, I mean on the average cattle truck the only thing differentiating First Class from standard is a door and a bit of cloth on the back of the seat. Couldn't they do away with the frivolity of First Class and give seats to the masses?

Some mornings I catch a 125 to London, which stops at my village. It has 3 carriages of first class, which are often used by 9 or 10 passengers in total. Again a real waste of space. Couldn't some kind of flexibility and common sense be applied, or would FGW rather have those less wealthy commuters (who maybe only pay £5-6000 a year in fares a year )stand for the duration of their journeys.

Come on FGW think about it!

It's not my fault they use invisible ink!

As I heard the slightly weary cry of "Tickets and passes from Reading please" on the London bound service this morning I pulled out my faded, due to expire on 9th May, monthly season and railcard. When she got to me I passed it over to the Ticket Inspector saying cheerily, "Sorry, it's a bit faded," not really my fault but I still apologised.

On my journey home the previous time it was checked the Ticket Inspector looked both my photo ID railcard and season ticket over and said, "That's alright sir, I can just make out 9th May. To be honest the ink on these is a bit rubbish and comes off a bit easy these days."

However not this harridan, she pursed her lips, and scrutinised the ticket and railcard in a rather disapproving manner before saying "I cannot verify that this railcard matches the season ticket." "Pardon," I responded. "Your ticket is very faded, and I cannot see that the number in this box (she pointed at the ticket at this point) matches your railcard." "Ok," I replied, "I can see that it's a bit faded, and one of your colleagues and I spoke about the fact it happens a lot only a couple of days ago, but he could see the expiry date." "I can see the expiry date, but not the number linking this season ticket to the railcard sir. I should really get you to purchase a ticket for your route today." "Pardon," I again said, this time a little incredulously. "I should get you to purchase the relevant ticket, where did you start your journey sir?" I was a bit miffed at this point to say the least, "Cholsey, where I paid over £400 for the privilege of this monthly travel card, so I am not very happy at the thought of having to pay you about £45 today. Surely you cannot blame me for the fact that the ink has come off, as I have kept it in the wallet your company provide." She paused, "Well I cannot see the reference number...." at this point I may have actually groaned...I know I did something that made her pause..."but I will assume that this is indeed your ticket." Well that 'assume was the final straw for me, "I may have the receipt in my wallet, if you really need to say it" and I'll confess there was more than a hint of sarcasm in my voice.

Without any hint of sarcasm in response she said "Well that would be really helpful sir." I reached into my pocket, found the credit card holder slip and flourished it, almost triumphantly...like a QC in court producing the clinching bit of evidence to clear their client. "Thank you sir, here's you travel card and rail card."

As she handed them back I said, "can I make a suggestion before you move on?," "Certainly sir", she replied. "Given that these tickets are rather expensive could you suggest your company gets some better ink, as it would make your job so much easier...and be a bit more pleasant for your customers."

"Thank you sir, I will pass that on." Not sure if she will to be fair.

Sorry doesn't seem to be the hardest word

So sad...so sad...I'm now stuck at Reading Station, Sorry doesn't seem to be the hardest word...

I wonder if Sir Elton John ever used FGW trains. If he did he may have had a rethink about be of his classic songs. It seems to me FGW are consistently sorry.

For example in the last 15 minutes I've heard 10 very sorry announcements. They were sorry to announce various issues. It started with our driver being sorry to announce that our train was terminating at Reading. She was so sorry she told us three times that we'd be terminating our journey and have to make alternative arrangements to get home due to a mechanical fault. Then sat on the platform I've heard they are sorry for one cancellation, a 27 minute delay and an 8 minute delay. No mention of the train I'm due to catch but given one of the South bound delayed trains is due to arrive at the platform I'm waiting on at the same time as my Northbound service is due, I'm guessing another apology will soon be winging its way over the tannoy.

Not really sure what the fault was on our particular train as it was moving along quite nicely until the driver spoke. And it stopped ok so no issue with the brakes.

Still FGW are really sorry for being unable to perform the basic function I pay them for. That's alright then, they are sorry I won't be in time to see my two little boys before they go to bed. Or the man next to me will who coaches blind kids football will miss half their session, or the little old lady nearby who has just been to a funeral is delayed when all she wants to do is get back to her house for a cup of tea "after a very long and emotional day."

Sorry seems to be an easy word when it comes to FGW absolving themselves of their accountabilities.

And guess what alive just heard again....at least it's not about the train I'm about to catch.

Who'd have thunk it? 4 good journeys in a week.

In the interests of fair play and objectivity I just wanted to acknowledge that my last 4journeys one FGW trains have all ran to time. Well done FGW you have met my expectations on 4 occassions this week. I have used your service 10 times in total, but 4/10 actually seems a good return based on my normal experiences. Take a bow and soak up the applause from me as I say well done. Obviously some may say I am damning you with faint praise, however I would deny that. You have achieved a 40% success rate. That's 40% better than most weeks. I am now hoping you can maintain, and indeed exceed this next week. Maybe you could even get it right 50% of the time...I know that's an improvement of 10% and a quite a stretch, but if you don't shoot for the stars you'll never reach the moon. So as I end my working week and look forward to a train travel free weekend I say once more well done, and may this be a sign of things heading onwards and upwards.

Same old, same old within FGW twilight zone

So far this week every train I've caught has been late, except they haven't all been because the FGW info boards say they are on time, and even arrived, even when I can't see a train at the platform.

Maybe this explains why people fall in front of trains, as they blindly believe the information on the sign and step forth into the Invisible Express.

Maybe we have entered the Twilight Zone, and there really is a train their, it's just not in the dimension I am standing in.

In this parallel world, Planet FGW, all is well, services are 100% reliable, every customer gets a seat, there are never trackside equipment issues, there are no...what's the word I'm looking for...mutters...no....eccentrics (that'll do) waiting to pounce and sit by you, airc conditioning works perfectly, staff are all pleasant and helpful, in fact all is right with the world.

Sounds idyllic from a travellers point of view, if only I could find my way there....

2 for the price of 1, plus the man who talks burgers!

As someone who works in retail thought I'd do a special offer in terms of challenges to FGW tonight.

1) Why do FGW insist on having 3 first class carriages on their fast services when they don't ever have enough passengers utilising the service to fill 1? This results in many normal travellers stood in standard aisles and vestibules whilst plenty of seats remain empty. Surely from a safety point of view it would be better to re direct standing passengers to these seats. Even better have the right number of relevant coaches, after all standard tickets cost enough! Sort it out.

2) why let a train leave the station, travel 200 yards then stop and wait 5 minutes for freight train to rumble over some points, before then progressing at a snails pace to the next station. This made us 10 minutes late by the first stop in the final leg of the journey. Why not give the passenger train priority at rush hour as I'm reliably informed by a pal of mine who is a self confessed transport nut, rather than making everyone late home. Mind you we all used our phones to contact loved ones, so maybe FGW has a deal with various phone networks to increase usage...or am I over analysing things a tad.

Well that's the moans, now for one of those only seen on a train commute. As I got on the packed train from Paddington and found a little space in the vestibule I saw a man looking out the opposite door. He was talking, and I assumed he must be in his phone. I assumed wrong. "your looking good," he said, "good enough to eat." Given he was staring at the blacked out windows of the train opposite I had 2 thoughts at this stage. One was he was a true train spotter, the second was he was talking to me, in which case I should move. Each to their own and all that but all that is not of interest to me. Then he continued "where to start though....the lettuce, the tomato, the bun, or the meat..." which he said almost adoringly. There was a rustle of paper then I saw him raise a burger from that well known chain, Burger King, to his lips. Whilst this was going on a lady joined us in vestibule. She gave a start when the man said "Mmmm so good...I want more of you," as he continued in his private world of food ecstasy. I think she thought for a moment he was talking to her. He became more ecstatic as he ate..."oh yes, this is what I wanted," and the lady leant across to me asking very quietly "Is he talking to his food?" The man was in a state of almost orgasmic delight and didn't hear me say "Yes, he really is." As the line in the film goes, I'll have what he's having.

Waiting for what...only FGW really know

Having missed yet another connecting service having been held "whilst a platform becomes available" at Reading I have to ask a question.

Given they now have more platforms, and the know the times trains are due to arrive why on Earth do they then need to make trains wait until a platform becomes available? It defies all logic, especially as the preceding service to arrive at the platform we used had left 15 minutes previously. So what exactly were we waiting for?

Was it Godot? Was it a sign from whatever Divine Being you may believe in? I don't really know.

I do know that it wasn't for a platform to become available, as it already was.

I also ow I won't be asking FGW to sort out any drinking parties in a brewery in the near future as that would go horribly wrong. At best they'd make me wait for a pointless reason.

I'm off now to ponder the issue of drunken logic, having seen a rather worse for wear couple being directed to the appropriate platform for their train 3 times now, but they have returned once more to platform 9 as that's where they always get their train from...

Ice cold in Alex it maybe, but not on an FGW train

So once again I am sat on an overcrowded train, sweltering in the heat, with all the windows closed so that the air con can work to full efficiency.

As far as I can tell it is working with the same efficiency as Her Majesties Revenue do in ensuring that the UKs highest earners all pay their full income tax. (For non UK nationals the Chancellor of the Exchequer was shocked to find that the vast majority of the rich in the UK actually avoid paying the full rate of income tax, despite this being common knowledge to the man on the street, this info is purely for your knowledge rather than this becoming a political blog, to ensure you get the context of my analogy about the air con.)

And when you try and rebel and open the window the sodding ticket inspector shuts it "to allow the air con to work properly." Well it hasn't worked for 30 minutes, why will it suddenly work now? I asked this what I considered perfectly reasonable question, and quite politely too. I was met with a jobs worth shake of the head and a "tut" as they moved off without answering. All I will say is G, a hero amongst ticket collectors who I have referred to previously, would have had the balls to answer. In fact I think he'd just have summed up the situation and opened more windows!

The only relief is the frequent stops when the doors open and a faint draught flutters through the carriage. I've often wondered why some people insist on standing by the doors rather than sitting in perfectly good seats, now I think I know the answer.

Still the ticket inspector will probably get off soon, then I'll rebel again and open the window....if the heat hasn't sapped all my strength by then.

A hero amongst ticket inspectors

As I sit here on platform 9 waiting for the delayed 2309, I thought I'd tell the tale of G a true knight of the rails and hero of FGW.

On a similarly late journey home I and a number of others found ourselves in a carriage with 3 rather annoying chaps who never tired of making neighing noises and laughing. From Slough, through Reading and up to Goring they continued their jolly japes. Then G entered the carriage.

"Tickets and passes" was his war cry. The 3 young man produced their tickets. "How old are you?" asked G, eyes narrowing in the same way that Dirty Harry's do when he asks if someone is feeling lucky.

"16" they all answered, puffing out their chests in a 'and we obviously look a lot older' kind of way. G scrutinised the tickets and began to smile..."Oh dear'" he said, "you've bought child tickets, these are only valid if you are 15 or under." The neighing stopped and a similar silence as that heard in old westerns when a stranger enters the saloon fell over the carriage.

G broke the silence "where are you going?"

"Oxford," all 3 said as one, then one broke ranks "but I'm not really 15, he is," pointing at his mate opposite, "but we're not," pointing to his mate beside him.

G smiled, "Genteleman, we can do this the easy way, or you can make it hard for yourselves (he really was channeling his inner Dirty Harry.) You are either over 16 so can pay £20 to upgrade all your tickets, or when we arrive at Cholsey you can leave the train."

He then went silent....

After a few protests the one proclaimed to be the eldest said "How much was that again?"

Well played G, you are a giant amongst ticket inspectors, and the little buggers didn't utter another word.

Oh and if anyone's wondering the train I was waiting for was 12 minutes late when it arrived, and there are a larger group of annoying youths on board. Where's G when you need him?

The loneliness of a short distance runner

After mistiming my exit from the house today I found myself sprinting down the path to the station as the 7.20am train that I wished to catch was pulling in. I accelerated as I saw the orange lights come on above the doors, I pushed myself to go faster as I heard and saw people boarding, I took the stairs at the station 3 at a time, I heard the doors shutting and just as I got on the platform and reached to open the door heard the clunk of the lock connect.

I looked towards the guard, a man I see regularly, and have even struck up conversations with, opening my arms imploringly to see if he could unlock the doors on the stationary 125. No he said making a crossing motion with his arms. I was disappointed as I have seen him do so before for a number of young attractive ladies who have made a similar last minute dash. Why would he not do the same for an overweight red haired Scotsman? He's never discriminated on grounds of hair colour before.

Then as I dejectedly stepped back from the train he waved...I looked round and as there was no one else on the platform I knew he was waving at me. I suddenly felt lonely, like an insider looking in as others took their seats. It took me back to that feeling you have as a young child at school, when you know someone is having a party, all your friends are nvited and your not. Still not one to dwell on those feelings, and just to show no hard feelings I waved back.

.....and if I time my connection right I can beat him to Paddington and ask why he waits for young attractive women who don't give him the time of day, but not for someone who has actually entered into conversation with him...

The train left at 7.20:16 so unlocking the doors for me would not have made much difference, after all I have to stand and wait for late trains often enough, surely once I could have got the same treatment as the attractive females who board at Cholsey get? Or is it because he mistook my red hair for ginger? I must ask next time I see him.

Small children plus rush hour commuter train = a little dose of honesty

As the father of 2 small boys, a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 year old ("but I'll be 5 next birthday Daddy",) I just want to marvel at the parents, some of whom I recognise as fellow regular commuters, who exposé their small children to a commuters lifestyle.

Do they do this so the kids appreciate the pain and suffering Mummy or Daddy have to go through just to buy them the next little treat they receive? Do they do this to try and brighten their fellow passengers day. Or is there some other reason?

Like today where having been charmed by a pair of little angels one fellow passenger was then soaked by a water pistol. Thankfully it wasn't me, as I'm not sure I'd have done the politely English thing my fellow passenger did, "no, no it's quite all right," to the mildly indifferent parent. I think I'd have been a typically blunt Scotsman and put a little bit of the fear of God into the little Angels....didn't do me any harm, and I learnt how to be well behaved very quickly...my Mum had this look and Dad just moved his hand slightly, yet never had to "dod yer lugs" (clip your ear.) Obviously I do not necessarily condone corporal punishment...but I have practiced my Mums look, and it works.

Anyway after the water pistol incident we the had 5 minutes of the kids fighting over a seat, literally. This time a very nice lady, and gentleman suffered, as stray feet and fists missed their intended mark. Again both said nothing (why?) There was a palpable sense of relief when the Angels and their indifferent parent left the train a couple of stops ago.

But I don't blame the kids. They had been penned in as we always are, feeling hot and stuffy, but lacking the inhibitions of the average adult. They were happy to let us all know what they thought of the experience "but I'm bored and I'm hot mummy....and she's in my seat now...lots not fair" and (I loved this) "why is that mans bag on the seat? That lady has to stand now. Does he have to buy a ticket for his bag?"

They know what it feels like to travel on FGW. But maybe their last question sums up why people bring the kids on the train. No holding back from them, instead their inquisitive little minds ask the questions adults are now to afraid to. I'm not sure if that's worth the mayhem they can cause but maybe we should take a leaf from their books and ask the same questions of our fellow travellers whenever they are a little selfish. And maybe we should all invest in water pistols so we can squirt the little angels back?

Ouch...there goes the mad scooter lady of Reading

As I stood waiting patiently to disembark at Reading having resigned myself once again to having missed my connecting train due to late arrival I heard a rustle of movement behind me. Fellow passengers were clutching ankles and shins as a strange,colourful aspiration whizzed past them. As the apparition got closer I realised it was a small, eccentrically dressed lady carrying a folder micro scooter. She was wearing a pink bobble hat, green body warmer, pink and purple hooped jumper, beige skirt, bright red tights, and yellow trainers.

"'scuse me" she'd mutter as she shoved past her patient passengers, wearing a very anxious look on her face, before whacking them with the micro scooter. She was a woman on a mission. I tried to avoid the whack, but there was no where to go...my left ankle is still a bit tender from the scooters impact. She pushed through leaving a trail of devastation in her wake. On into the adjoining carriage, the buffet and dinning car she went, gathering speed too.

I thought given her pace I'd never see her again. Then I heard the tannoy announcement "would passengers in coach F kindly refrain from entering coach G as we are serving hot meals and trying to get throu there is a health and safety hazard." As we slowed and made our way into the station I saw her approaching the door which I would exit from, looking even more anxious and determined....and with what looked like gravy dripping down her body warmer. I managed to position myself for a quick exit by the door...and as we stopped was soon on the platform, away from the colourful whirlwind of womanhood. How wrong I as "'scuse me"... Whack....shin this time....and off she sped into the crowd. I hope she got there on time, wherever there was.

Let me tell you where to stick that whistle....

Why oh why when FGW insist on running overcrowded trains do platform attendants/supervisors/guards or whatever else those fluorescent coated numpties are called do they insist on blowing their whistles shrilly from the moment the trains pull into the stations, and at times before doors upon until the point when all those who were playing sardines make their escape and all who wish to travel onward, again often in overcrowded conditions manage to squeeze on board? What exactly does it achieve?

Maybe it is part of some strange fitness routine to increase lung capacity? Maybe the fluorescent jacketed numpties are practicing for the role of football or rugby referees? All I know is that the last thing you want as you fight your way off or onto the train is to have someone blowing a whistle by your ear. And it's not as if the habit is confined to London bound journeys. The same thing happens as you stand in a crowd trying to board the train. I swear today's whistle happy soul has damaged my ear drums.

And to what end? No one can physically get off, or on any quicker...well safely, I could use my Rugby Union skills to my advantage, but do believe people would get hurt in the process...and I am to much. Of a gentleman for that.

So what is the answer...well for a start let me tell you where to stick that fecking whistle!

Is this a job for Tom Cruise?

So I shall start with praise. During rush hour FGW has a few extra trains running between London and Oxford, and vice versa which are a semi-fast service meaning no change at Reading and home in just under an hour. Genius, FGW I salute you for this.

However, and you knew this was coming, there are never, ever enough carriages, especially on a Friday. As a result many of us have to stand to at least Maidenhead. And as the journey takes us past one of your depots my heart skips with joy at unused rolling stock sitting there whilst we all play sardines. It's even better on a hot day like today when some people are smelling less than fresh (complimentary deodorant would help, though we'd then all choke on the fumes as people went spray happy.)

Would it really be to difficult to utilise the spare rolling stock during peak hours? It can't be difficult can it? If it is a Mission Impossible then maybe Tom Cruise could help, after all he's done quite a few impossible things in the films.

On a serious note it isn't safe either. Tonight as we changed track at a set of points, on person lost their balance and took out a few others, like a game of human Domino Rally. I actually caught one very grateful lady.

So FGW will you accept this mission to actually do the right thing by your customers? Could Tom Cruise help?

This message will self destruct in 10 seconds......well it won't really but I always wanted to say that.

Enjoy the rest of the warm weather and your weekend. I'll be back next week.

Worse than snakes on a plane...

...it's the drunk on the train!

I was going to moan about lateness, and no air on on today's service, but the sun is shining and I'd rather tell a more humorous tale. And FGW dontngive a flying fig what anyone says anyway ;-)

As some will know I got a late train home last night, and one of the joys of travelling at that time is observing fellow travellers, especially those who have obviously had a good time.

As the train was only minutes from Reading a man carrying a can of Stella Artois (other premium lagers are available) pushed through the standing crowd (even at that time the train was over crowded, but I'll leave that alone) anying with a slurred Wiltshire accent "'shcuse me I need to...erm...sit...down...I've been told I musht sit down..." As we were only 5 minutes from Reading a gentleman across the way stood and said, here have this seat by the window, I'm getting off in a minute. The drunk sat down..."thanksh mate, would you like shum beer," and preferred his can. What a nice chap I thought, though the man beside him quickly declined. "Are you sure, it's really good beer," to which the passenger replied, "I don't drink." "Really", said the drunk,"that's just weird...but each to their own." He then began mumbling to himself "I have to stay sitting, got to get to Swindon, they've told me to sit down."

In the mean time two older gentlemen behind in the seats behind him were discussing gun dogs, particularly gun ,dogs, and the merits of springer v cocker spaniels. The more senior tweedie said, "I've found a great breederin Kintbury near Hungerford," in an almost lazy posh drawl. Suddenly the drunk snapped to attention and turned to the gents, saluted and said "thatsh Gods country that is....share a drink with me" and thrust the can forward. No words were needed in what I felt was withering refusal of a lovely fraternal offer from the drunk. The passenger beside meanwhile decided he'd stand for the final 3 minutes to Reading. The drunk seemed stunned by the response to his generous offer and sat down, continuing his muttering "told to sit down, must get to Swindon," like it had become his mantra.

We pulled into Reading, Swindon was still 2 stops away. The drunk seemed to be nodding off. As I exited the train I heard a voice behind me, "was told to sit down, must get to Swindon." I turned to see the drunk had roused himself and Stella can in hand was behind me on the platform. I had to intervene. "you do know that's the Swindon train don't you?" I asked. "I needsh platform 1, Bedwyn train" he replied. "I'm sorry but I thought I heard you say you wanted Swindon", "I do want Shwindon" he responded, "Well this train is the quicker way there," I said doing my best for the obviously confused fellow. He downed what remained of his can, through it in the bin and marched off towards Platform 1, "been told to sit down, need Swindon train" he muttered. I tried once more to hail him but realised he was focused on his mantra, and misguidedly on getting to platform 1.

I do hope he got back to Swindon ok....albeit eventually.

I live in hope...

Tonight after a dinner with work I take on the challenges of the evening service, when a 25 minute journey to Reading lasts 36 minutes...officially, and all being well my journey time should in total be one hour 6 minutes. Now this is still a possibility, and I remain hopeful of success.

It's just that I can't help but think of other journeys taken at this time. For example a few weeks ago I sat on the very same service which had a halt just after Maidenhead, long enough for me to miss two connecting trains home and meaning I got in the following at.

The explanation for this....well I'd like to say there was one, however the apologetic train manager, whilst very sorry couldn't explain it.

The time before that was very similar...as was the time before that...and the time before that, though the delays were not quite as bad as last time. I did write to FGW to share my experience as a customer, but the response made me wish ai hadn't bothered, apologising, then quickly telling me I wasn't entitled to compensation, which I hadn't asked for, whilst offering no actual explanation, which I had.

Still my glass is half full and I'm sure all will be well on the outward journey. After all nothing went wrong on the journey in today...once the guard found his keys to be able to unlock the doors on the train so we could board. At least it was sunny, and the delay only a few minutes. And he apologies, and openly admitted to his mistake. A first for this week.

You'll know if all runs to time or not later.

So it's goodnight from me.....and it's goodnight from FGW ;-)

Maybe Jim could Fix It?

As a boy I used to marvel at Jim'll Fix It. The dear departed Sir Jimmy Saville could make complex and simple dreams come through with a mere jangle of his jewellery and a puff on his big cigar. If only he was still alive today as I think he may be the only person who could Fix It for FGW to get trains to run on time.

After the pleasant surprise of an early arrival in sunny London this morning I should have known the return journey would not go so smoothly as thanks to an unexpected hold outside Reading I missed my connecting service home and now have to stand on the new and improved, but unfinished platform 10 waiting for the next train. Still at least the sun is shining. There was no acknowledgement of the late arrival, not even the automated service was sorry. Obviously the complete apathy towards customers service has spread from the top, down through the people and even the machinery.

And here comes my train...hang on...that's not our platform. Oh and there's the tannoy announcement. Must dash....oh and no apology.....puff.....pant....for.....the....last minute...platform change either.......excuse me coming through....

Monday, Monday.....

And my trains delayed...I could almost hear the Mama's and the Papa's re working their classic to sum up the commuters lot, may have to give it a try. It could be a charity single, with all proceeeds ploughed into helping the weary travellers forced through geographical constraints to have to travel on what is officially the UKs least reliable rail service. FGW are to rail travel, what Scotland are to 6 Nations rugby, the best at being the worst. Maybe I should send them a Wooden Spoon (as a Scots rugby fan I can say all of that, and it really pains me.)

So this morning I waited patiently for my train to pull in. Eventually 7 minutes after it was due it arrived. Not bad thought I, will still be at work by 8.30. Well the journey continued, at what at times seemed a leisurely pace. Then we got to Southall, the stop before my final destination. By the time we got there the train was 15 minutes behind schedule. No word had been uttered from the drivers can at any point to acknowledge we were any way delayed. The Southall commuters, who I really feel sorry for as by the time we get there the train is always already rammed to what any sensible person would call capacity. Not FGW though. Anyway everyone squeezed on and the doors closed. The train stayed still. I admired the picturesque scenery of Southall for 5 minutes....the sunlight dancing off the few remaining intact windows of a nearby derelict factory...a graffiti covered wall not quite up to Banksy's standards. After five minutes those people on the platform who had forlornly watched the doors close decided they would see if they could get on. The doors opened and they heaved themselves literally on board. The platform supervisor was far from impressed, blowing her whistle, wagging her finger, shaking her head and telling people in no uncertain terms not to get on the train. Still we sat, no word as to why, when a second wave of the platform gang decided to get on board. This really upset the platform supervisor, who by now resembled a lone soldier fighting a rear-guard action against overwhelming odds. The whistle blew louder, the arms waved wilder, the "no, you cannot board this train" more voluble. Eventually she made her point, but not after a couple of sneak raiders boarded as she moved down the platform. Another 5 minutes passed, and then the 3rd wave advanced...given conditions on board were now more than a little unpleasant (I'm amazed how many people either don't wash or use deodorant) the platform supervisor did receive some on board support to repel boarders. Still no news from the driver. After an 18 minute wait, when I will confess the picturesque view had become a tad boring, the train finally moved. Still no communication from the driver. The only apology I heard was the automated voice at Ealing once I got off the train, you know the one "we are sorry to announce than the 8.18 service to London Paddington has been delayed. First Great Western would like to apologise...blah blah blah. Still at least the automated system was sorry. I'm guessing the driver didn't give a toss as he didn't update us once.

So I was a bit later than I wanted to be getting to work today, however we were happily one minute inside the time that leads to compensation!

Oh and to round the day off the service home is delayed. It was apparently bang on time until the moment it was due to arrive a train not scheduled to stop passed through (hope everyone travelling to the regatta town got home on time, I won't.)

Off to watch the last rays of the sun from my train, rather than my back garden with a nice glass of something in my hand. Ho hum.

Ignorance isn't bliss, it's oblivion...

Is a quote I once read.

I'm guessing the writer was sat on an overcrowded commuter train that was stationary and being held at Southall Station, without any explanation from the driver. Sporadically some of those stood on the platform would open the door and be rebuked by the platform supervisor, however her arm waving and whistle blowing had little effect. Even when we finally moved there was no apology.

Not great FGW, not great at all.

This is a mere mini-blog, bigger one to follow later.

Oh you want your bag to have that empty seat....that's alright then

Why do some people feel that their train ticket gives them the right to use the seat next to them for their bag? In fact today a fellow passenger had a bag on the chair and was utilising both fold down tables for their lap top and various snacks and beverages.

As it was the only only seat in the carriage, I politely asked if the seat was taken. Well if looks could kill...it was almost as if I'd said "would you mind awfully if I kicked you repeatedly in the testicles?" And it's not the first time I've had the look of death, from either a male or female when having the temerity to ask them to let a fellow traveller have a seat.

What is it with these people? Don't they know what the luggage racks are for?

Today's 'twunt' (a word heard on my travels yesterday...thought it sounded good)did more huffing and puffing than the big bad wolf trying to blow the little pigs brick house down as they theatrically (which is what they seem to do) moved their sprawling detritus of bag, beverages and snacks, almost in the hope I'd move on. He was sorely disappointed as I didn't fancy standing up for the journey from Birmingham to Oxford.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a seat on the train, instead of someone's bag, but if in fact I am being unreasonable then please do let me know.

May you all have a wonderful weekend.

Well it's not just FGW...

Was delighted when my train left my home station on time this morning, and deposited me in Oxford to make my connecting train to Birmingham. I was feeling very pleased to have a reserved seat, especially as this is one of those trains that's normally rammed to the gills, and it's a journey that last about an hour and 20, with the train overflowing by the time it leaves Leamington.

I boarded the Cross Country train, walked to my seat and was mildly irritated to see someone sat in it. "Excuse me you are in my seat" (a very nice window seat complete with a plug point so I could keep my gadgets charged...lovely.) "No I'm not," he replied. "I think you are, look I have my reservation here," said I now slightly more irritated, especially as it was a great seat, "I have one too" he replied.

Pesky Internet booking!

I did get a seat, in an aisle by a gentleman carrying even more weight than me. Ho hum.

Air conditioned trains....really

Has anyone else ever sat sweltering on one of FGWs luxurious air conditioned trains, looking at the window opposite and marvelled at the sign "this train is air conditioned. pull handles down for emergency ventilation only."

I have and I am wondering what constitutes emergency ventilation. Is it for times like now when there are a bunch of over heating passengers, not helped by the warm air the air conditioning is pumping through the train? Is it for those times when a passenger, male of female, have liberally applied some Eau d'Napalm and everyone is struggling to breathe? Is it when someone has obviously eaten something that disagrees with them, and has unfortunately and often surreptitiously shared this with the train (silent but deadly I believe such sharing was often referred to in my school days.)

I wish FGW gave greater guidance regarding when emergency ventilation applies as I and many passengers are bloody boiling. Would I be wrong to open the window, and what happens if it's opened but FGW don't feel it's warranted, after all we're all on CCTV. It's clear what happens if I pull the emergency lever and it's not a genuine emergency. But what about the window. I know what I'm going to do, what would you do?

Elbow in the ribs or handbag up the...?

....Arse? This question came to mind as I stood on an cover crowded train with a blokes elbow in my ribs and a woman's handbag rammed against my buttocks. The train is like this every night when I get on at Ealing Broadway. It always only has 3 over flowing carriages. I often ponder what difference an extra carriage would make, would I have an elbow in my ribs or a handbag shoving against my jacksie? And should I really be so annoyed by these invasions of my personal space, especially as I manage not to stick my elbows in anyone's ribs, and my laptop bag goes out of the way onto the parcel shelf? And why does a simple "excuse me would mind removing your elbow from my rib cage or your handbag from my cheeks" cause such apparent offence? It seems like a perfectly reasonable request to me. It's not as if I am retaliating in anyway. Well that's it from me, will be interested in hearing what you'd prefer, an elbow in the ribs or a handbag up the arse....as for me....the elbow wins.

My eyes...it burns...it burns

Now I am not a melodramatic sort of chap, but once again I find myself on a packed train with someone who has used Eau de Napalm instead of some normal inoffensive perfume. There is coughing, spluttering and even tears coming down the cheeks of some fellow passengers but the lady in question is oblivious to the misery and suffering she is causing. Without wishing to decry the efforts of the brave troops of WW1, but having discussed what a mustard gas attack was like with my late Great Grandfather for a school project many many years ago, I now have a greater insight into his experiences. Even the many open windows are doing nothing to shift the noxious cloud and it's effects on the rest of us. How can she not notice the reek of her chosen fragrance? Here's hoping she gets off soon before the effects become more lasting. I am off to rig up some form of breathing apparatus, before taking a few days holiday to celebrate getting another year older. Happy travelling....cough.....splutter.....everyone.

I'm not one of them!

This is more of a tale than a blog, and goes back a few months.

I got on the Exeter bound train, with a view to changing at Reading during the commuter rush. As I sat down at saw a rather unkempt gentleman sat opposite (we were both sat on the fold down chairs where a wheelchair may be positioned.)he was drinking a tin of Carlsberg (other lagers are available)and telling anyone who would listen about going to Glastonbury festival, a fight in Bristol, and various other delightful tales. he was pretty incessant in his tale telling, and quite loud. He turned to the well dressed businessman in the seat beside him and said, "you may as well give me the reserved ticket off the back of me chair as I won't sit beside you...as I know I am a bit smelly." thanks to a blocked nose I hadn't noticed, but the look on the business mans face was one of relief.

The lady beside me was on the phone and trying to discreetly tell the person to about our interesting fellow traveller..she whispered "you won't believe this but there's a homeless person on the train" and when she wasn't heard repeated herself a bit louder. At this point our interesting fellow traveller retorted with more than a hint of pride and passion, "Excuse me, I'm not one of those...I'm a tramp!"

Now until that day I never knew there was a difference, but you live and learn.I wonder precisely what the difference is?

Anyway the tramp (as I can now call him) then told the carriage that no one would sit beside him as he smelt a bit, having not had a good wash for a few days. At this point a guy in a long black coat, carrying a hefty looking book entered the carriage, and sat nonchalantly in the final remaining seat...the one beside the tramp. He then immersed himself in his book. "I'm surprised you sat there" said the tramp."Pardon?" said the man in the black coat."I said I'm surprised you sat there, I stink," said the now smiling tramp, almost as of this was some Olympian achievement."It's not that bad," said the man in the black coat."Really?" asked the now incredulous tramp."Yep, I've smelt worse," added the man in the black coat. "Really?" asked the increasingly incredulous tramp."Yes said the man's, I have two children under 3 and their nappies and potties are far worse than how you smell." "Fair enough said the tramp, I'll shut up then." And he did all the way to Reading, where I and the man in the long black coat got off the train. As I left I heard the tramp say "Well no one else will sit there will they." I wonder if anyone did....

When is late actually late

As I stood waiting for the 7.07am train this morning I noticed it was actually 7.09 on my watch. Yet the overhead signage said the train was "On Time." At 7.10 the train went from being "On Time" to being due at 7.10...and actually arrived at 7.12am. Now these are not large margins, unless you have a connection to make at Reading, in which case on time needs to be on time, especially with all the improvement works (which I am sure will be worth it.) That seems reasonable doesn't it? As I watched the freight train rumble through the station at the time my train was due I knew my train would be late, so why not just be honest on the signs. People cutting it fine for connections can then make other plans. Strangely the 2 minute time lag continued to be present at journeys end (Ealing Broadway today) where the train due at 8.18 was "Exp. to arrive at 8.23" and actually arrived at 8.25. Come one FGW just cough, after all honesty is the best policy, and late is late, even if the sign says "On Time."

By popular demand

So having been entertained by various rants on FB, friends have pestered me into doing a blog. Who am I to deny the masses...well 5 people but it's a start. Now I am a real friend of FGW, commuting on the UKs most criticised route from Oxfordshire into Paddington via Reading. I just want to highlight how it feels to travel on this route, and how marvellous the FGW customer service team are. They are always concerned about my experiences whenever I contact them and very grateful for my feedback. Well as I always say feedback is a gift, and I know what FGW do with the gift I give them....nothing. I will try and keep this blog up to date, and hopefully if nothing else it will brighten up someone else's commute...or at least create a sense of empathy.